Feeling Down...

Somewhere deep down, this girl is hurting and can't reach out...

I've always been a happy girl.  Always smiling, laughing and chatting to anyone.  That seemed to change back in November 2010...

On the 1st November 2010 at about 3am, I was up and getting ready for work.  ( I worked on the trains so worked silly shifts)  I had a shower and was coming back to start the process of making myself look half human when I saw my phone flashing at me, meaning I had a text/e-mail (usually it's a spam e-mail).  This time though it wasn't a text  or an e-mail.  It was a missed call from my mum.

My mum doesn't usually call me and she certainly doesn't call me in the middle of the night.  It was that moment I knew something wasn't right, so I called her back thinking she wouldn't answer; but she did...

I remember that phone call as if it was yesterday.

" Hello...You called me?"

"Yeah." (cue the silence) "Grandad died this morning at about 2am."

"What? Are you serious?"

" Yeah.  He went into hospital about 8pm last night and Nan got the phone call earlier.  He just went in his sleep."

There was probably a lot more to the phone call but I froze completely.  After I had put the phone down to my mum I still wasn't crying.  I felt numb.  Walking to my bedroom I stopped and felt that first tear roll down my cheek.  My fiance, Scott had come to the door as he could hear me outside and asked me what was wrong.

"He died.  My grandad died."

They were the last words I said all night before breaking down and hiding under the duvet.

(8) I will love you... As I love you... All my life (8)

I cried non stop for days.  I just couldn't believe it.  The funeral came and we all said our final goodbyes to him.  Having never been to a funeral, I didn't know what to expect and I didn't think I'd be able to cope, but I strong throughout; not just for me but for my Nan and Mum.

Anyway, it's now been nearly 7 months since my Grandad passed away and I am a completely different person.  I don't laugh or smile as much anymore and I still have days where I just want to hide away and cry as I don't know how to cope.

I know I shouldn't just cry as I know my Grandad wouldn't want me to be sad about losing him, but my Mum told me that she still cries most days and that it's normal.  

 

But that's not the only reason I'm feeling down.  Yeah, I'm still grieving in my own way and time but now I'm always working and it's a stressful job in a call centre and I never seem to have any money as it all goes on rent and bills.  And to top it off, me and Scott seem to do nothing but argue nowadays, over anything.  I mean, we have our good days and we can go weeks without arguing, but when we argue... we ARGUE!

I haven't told anyone this as I don't know who I can reach out to.  Scott wouldn't understand.  Neither would my family and I don't have any of my own friends in Sheffield.  Just mutual ones of Scott.  The last few weeks have been challenging with my hormones/moods and my feelings.  

I have days lately where I feel that this world would be better off without me in it and as terrible as this sounds I have had thoughts that I really wish I hadn't had (if you know what I mean?)

I wish I could deal with all my problems better and maybe if I had someone I knew I could talk to who wouldn't judge me it might make things easier to deal with.

I know things will get easier and better with time, I just guess I'm letting the stress get to me a bit too much lately.... =(

Anyway...anyone who's managed to read to the end, well done!

xoxoxo

For my Grandad...

Grandad,
So much has happened in the last few months.  Months of memories we haven't been able to share with you.  Christmas was the first of many dates we would spend without you there.  That christmas was the hardest.  Mum wore her paper christmas hat from the cracker all day just like you used to and she made the crackers you used to laugh at her about!! =) They were pretty good crackers!!
I wish you had been there for my 21st birthday.  It was an amazing day but I was still sad that you were not there to see me turn 21 (even if I wasn't down in Southend with you lot).  Me and Scott got engaged the day before my 21st.  Scott was all romantic, and you would know that when you first met him, he doesn't seem very romantic , but he was and it really was the most amazing moment of my life!!! <3
Remember when you last saw me, I didn't have a job.  Well in March this year I got myself a full time job in a contact centre and I'm still there 3 months later and still enjoying it!!! We are all incredibly shocked that I am still at a job that I enjoy!!!
I speak to Nan on the phone quite a bit now.  She makes me laugh with the things she says to me.  I miss speaking to her on the phone and hearing you talking in the background and laughing.  I still expect to hear you when she rings me.  She doesn't really speak about you on the phone to me so I try not to mention anything, just in case it upsets her.
It's been nearly 7 months since you got taken away from us and I still can't believe that I'm never going to see you again.  To hear your voice or see you smile or laugh.  I still cry when I think about you or remember something that we all used to do together; even if i see something on the telly that reminds me of you. 
This year is going to be the hardest as it is the first year that we will be celebrating/doing things without you with us for the first time and we're all going to struggle but we know that you're looking down on us, keeping us safe.
 If I had one wish it would be to bring you back, but I know that isn't going to happen.  I wish I had the chance to see you one last time, to say goodbye but I know that you weren't able to stay with us and that you had to go.  Even though I wont see you again, I have all my memories of the moments we shared together and all the photographs we have.  Those will never go away and they will be with me forever.
I'm going to finish this letter now.  I miss you so much Grandad, more and more everyday.
You really were the most amazing grandad anyone could wish for and I love you.
Thinking of you everyday. Lots of Love.
Hayley (Blossom)
xXxXxXx

Bullied...

This is me on my 21st Birthday. (I may be a little drunk).  This is a weight I am happy with, but it hasn't always been like this.  From around the age of 5 when I started school, I was bullied for being different.  This different was the fact I was bigger than all the other kids, both in height and weight.

When I started infant school, I was a little on the chubby side but obviously being 5 I didn't think anything of it.  I used to get called names a lot but I didn't seem to care too much at that time.

It was the next couple of years as I went into year 2 and 3 that I realised I was different.  I was a big child and nobody else seemed to be.  

The name callng continued 'fatty' 'chubby' 'fatso'.  I know they may not seem harsh but when I was 7 they hurt me.  I carried on as normal trying not to let it get to me.  

When I started Junior school, I tried to put infants behind me and just carry on but it still continued.  It got worse in Years 5 and 6 as I had become a lot bigger and was actually unable to have the proper school uniform as it didn't fit me, so just had to have a purple t-shirt as that was the schools colour.

In year 6 I got picked on quite a lot for being big; mainly by a group of lads and girls who were what they liked to think of as 'popular'.  They'd just sit and call me names and if I didn't respond more than likely kick my chair until I did. =\

Our leavers assembly was based on TV programmes and one of them was eastenders.  They told me I was going to be Sonia from it (when she was quite big).  They then told me my first line was: "Do i look fat?"

Wow!! What a line to give the big girl!!!!

That school year couldn't have ended soon enough as I knew most of the people who picked on me were going to another school and not the one I was going to.  I was relieved when that final bell rang for summer!!

Little did I know this bullying was still going to carry on for the first few years of high school.  I was still a big girl when I was in Year 7 but my mum told me it was just puppy fat and I'd grow into my body, but I didn't believe her.  

Years 7 to 10 were horrible.  I'd get called worse names than i did before and at one point in year 9 when I was walking home from school, two of the lads who had picked on me in Junior school were walking behind me shouting stuff to me.  I ignored it, but little did i know they had something else planned.  

I carried on walking, ignoring everything they were saying until i heard them laughing and then the sound of a lighter being flicked.  They had tried to set my hair alight.

I ran home and told my mum what they had done and its obvious that she was less than impressed. 

Me in Year 9.

Year 10 came and went, and I was still as I had been for years picked on for being fat.  It was year 11 I decided to do something about it.  

I decided in year 11 I was going to lose weight for our leavers prom.  I didn't want anyone being nasty to me because I didn't look right in a dress.  My school uniform hugged me to start with that year and halfway through it became very baggy.  There wasn't any point in buying a new one, so I just wore it and nobody knew or realised I was losing weight.

I don't have a photo of what I looked like in year 11 before i went on my diet but i was very big.  I was a size 20/22 in clothes.

July 2006 came around fast.  I had been on my diet since the summer of 2005.  I had a lovely pink dress to wear to prom and nobody had seen me out of my uniform and in normal day clothes.  We had arranged to have a limo take us to prom, so when it arrived it would be the first time my friends had seen me since i lost weight.  Funnily enough, they were shocked!!

When the limo pulled up outside the place where the prom was held, my friends had decided I was going to get out first.  I didn't want to because there were loads of people there from school and I thought of all the bullying, but i did.

All the 'wows' and 'ohmygod's' were amazing!! I had finally done it!! I had stunned people and I wasn't going to get picked on anymore.  Most of them wows were actually from people who had picked on me at school and they all tried to talk to me as if we had been friends for years! 

HA! I wasn't going to talk to them after they had made my school years hell, purely for the fact I was fat.  I walked past them and walked in to the prom with my friends to start the night!

Those bullies were shocked that I had ignored them and not wanted to speak to them.  Well why would i? The only reason they were talking to me now was because i had lost weight!

Me on prom night 2006. (pink dress)

Once prom was over, summer began and I prepared myself for 6th form.  I was still on a diet as I had a long way to go and by September 2006 when I walked in the school gates again I wasn't letting anything get me down!! Once again people were shocked when I walked in the hall and had slimmed down even more to a size 12 and those 'popular' people tried talking to me, but i wasn't interested.  I had my friends; the ones who didn't care whether i was fat or thin.  Those others aren't worth bothering with as they all thought they were better than everybody.

By the time we had our Year 13 leavers ball, I was a size 10 and very thing.  My mum thought I looked ill as i was too skinny and very bony but i didn't think anything of it.  People had mentioned that i looked ill but i took no notice.  I loved being a size 10.  When I met Scott i was a size 10 still and he said he was terrified of breaking me as it looked like i'd snap in half.

Leavers Ball 2008.  

Look how bony i was...

It was then that i listened to when people said i looked ill and decided to lay off the dieting and put a bit of extra weight on.  I am now a healthy size 12/14 and feel amazing.  There are still days when I get down about how i look as i don't have a toned body etc, but my fella lets me know how beautiful I am and that he wouldn't have me any other way and i forget why i felt down.

In a way i should thank all those bullies for picking on me all those years because, because of them I wouldn't have dieted and I wouldn't have lost all that weight.  The only thing I don't thank them for is deciding to talk to me because i lost weight and was a size that they thought was acceptable for them to talk to someone!!

It isn't about looks that you should give someone the time of day, its their personality!!!

xoxo

 

The Day 'OUR' New Life Began....

12th November 2008

As you all know, when I was 18 I was going through a bit of a rebellious stage in my life and wasn't a happy person at all.  My mum had 'grounded' me from going on the computer; yes, 18 and not allowed on a computer and I didn't have a laptop of my own.  There was one day though that I had persuaded her to let me on for a while and she agreed.

I was messing about on a social networking site when I refreshed the page (oh yes, I shall give every bit of detail haha) when I saw this photo come up on the home page.  He was gorgeous!!! He had only joined the site from what I could see about half an hour before and it was me that was straight in there!!

I clicked on his profile and had a nosey before I commented on his photo.  These were my exact words... "Ohmygod. You're like proper phitt" (and spelt like that!)

I did that and didn't expect any reply but soon enough I got a notification...

"Thanks. You ain't so bad yourself love"

I was incredibly excited that he had replied and I wanted to chat more, so clicked on the 'send message' button and started writing a message asking if he fancied a chat.  He did and after about an hour of messaging each other I had been told to come off the computer.  Before I left, I messaged him once more asking if he fancied more of a chat he could text me... I messaged my number not expecting anything; but I was wrong.

I know it was a bit forward, but I'd enjoyed talking to him and for once sort of felt happy when we spoke and ten minutes later I had a text come through; from Scott! =D

Some point in December 2008

Me and Scott had been texting for a few weeks now and spoke for hours everyday, both by text and by him calling me.  His voice

(and this is going to sound soppy) actually made me weak at the knees :P He had the most amazing northern accent and never failed to put a smile on my face.  

Even though we hadn't met, we both realised we felt an instant connection when we spoke.  We'd talk on the phone from about 10pm until 6am when I had to get up for work.  I didn't care that I'd had no sleep.  I thought he was worth sleep deprivation, and still do!!

He rang me on Christmas morning to wish me a happy christmas at 7am even though he had only had a couple of hours sleep and we spoke all day via text.  I was happy just having someone to talk to.  Even his mum knew about me and had spoken to me on the phone on Christmas eve!!

That all changed on Boxing Day though.

 Scott hadn't really been texting me on boxing day so I hadn't expected any texts off him.  I didn't get clingy or anything but when he text me, all the sadness I had felt before we started talking came rushing back to me.  He had told me via text that he liked someone else and was going to give it a try with her as they lived closer than we did.  I know it sounds silly, but honestly that text I think sort of broke my heart?!  

We didn't talk again ='(

It was close to New Years Eve and all my friends wanted a party or something to celebrate but had nowhere to hold it.  I asked my mum and she said I could have one.  That night I had loads of people round my house for a party with a LOT of alcohol! It's safe to say I got very drunk to forget what an idiot I felt like.

New Year Passed and 7th January came

January 2009 came and I was concentrating on my job and planning my 19th.  I still had Scott's number on my phone,and on the 7th January I decided that I didn't want to keep it on my phone anymore so went to delete it.  Now this is where it gets weird!

As I went to delete the number, I got a text.  It was from Scott. 

He text and wanted to start talking again.  I was wary of talking to him again because I'd let him in to my 'life' very quickly.  We started texting again but not like it was before.  After a few weeks he told me that he had made a mistake on boxing day with that girl and couldn't believe he'd been as stupid as that.  I didn't realise what he was getting at until he asked me if I wanted to meet him.  I had started to trust him (as much as you can trust someone you've never met) and agreed.  We agreed that I would visit him for the weekend in Sheffield on 6th February 2009; one week after I turned 19.

The moment it turned midnight on 28th January I got a text from Scott.

"I love you Hayley. xx"

There was more to that text but that was the main part.  We had never met but he'd told me he loved me.  I knew I felt the same and replied which is when he phoned me and said it down the phone to me.  He didn't think I'd say it back but I did.

<3

It was just one week until I was travelling to Sheffield and we were both excited but very nervous at the same time.

What if he wasn't who he says he is? (i'd seen him on webcam)

What if we don't like each other?

6th February 2009. 08:22am

I boarded the train from Shoebury at that time in the morning, starting my 5 hour journey to meet Scott.  I had been told by him and his friends that he was incredibly hyper and couldn't sit still knowing I was coming up.

Once on the train to Sheffield from London St Pancras, my stomach was doing somersaults.  He was texting me to help calm my nerves, but he was hyper still so it didn't really help.

Derby...Chesterfield...Sheffield!

When the announcement came over on the train that the next station was Sheffield, I pulled my make up out of my bag, touched my make up up, sorted out my hair, and got myself ready!

13:32pm

I stepped off the train and began that walk to the entrance where Scott would be.  My heart was pounding; my palms sweaty (sexy right!!) but I carried on walking.

I saw him.

He was just as I had seen and imagined.  I didn't and don't care that he's shorter than me.  He's absolutely gorgeous.  He had long black hair back then; stood there in his skull t-shirt and baggy jeans and leather jacket (i still remember).

As soon as he smiled at me with that smile I had seen on webcam, I forgot everything.  I was still very shy and froze when he hugged me but he let that go.  He took my bag from me and took my hand in his and we walked back through town as if we were the only 2 people there.

First Kiss

We arrived back at his student house :P and chatted and had a cuddle.  We hadn't kissed yet, but I wanted to.  I was too shy to make the first move but gave all the signs.  

Scott actually made me wait 3 hours before he kissed me, even though he knew I wanted to; but that kiss was worth the wait!!

That weekend we were inseperable.  I met his friends and a week later I met his mum and sister when I came back to visit him again.

It is now 2 years and 2 months later and we are still as inseperable as we were back then.

It took us a while to get where we are today with some hiccups along the way, but I wouldn't change a thing.  The things that have happened have made us stronger than ever and I cannot wait for our future together.

Anyway, thats the very long story of how we met =)

 May 2009

Halloween 2010

Our first holiday together. York, 2010

xoxo

Two Faced...

I don't know whether this is going to be boring or interesting to anyone who reads it, but this is how some people can be two faced.  Not towards me, but towards my fiance.

 

Now me and Scott have been together now for over 2 years, and as I said in my last blog; yeah we have our ups and downs but I wouldn't change anything for the world.  But there is one person who still doesn't seem to accept that we are together, and that person is my mum.

The first time my mum met Scott was after I had moved in with him and we came back down to Shoebury to collect some more of my stuff.  She tried to make it as difficult as she  could; arguing with him because he had told me it was up to me if I wanted to take the TV from my old bedroom- my mum didn't want me to because Scott would be using it as well and it was a present to me!! Lol.  In the end we had to call my dad tocome round to speak to my mum and make her understand that I was growing up, and moving in with Scott was part of that.  She hated what he was telling her as she knew he was right.

That was in the Spring of 2009.  In the Winter of 2009 when we travelled down to my mums to spend an early Christmas with them she was still no different.  Yeah, she spoke to him but you could tell she just wasn't interested.  

That Christmas 2009 was the first christmas I spent away from my family, as Christmas day I was in Rotherham spending it with Scott's family.  The first christmas I had had when I wasn't being told off for doing something!!!

We had planned on spending Christmas day in 2010 with my family as we had spent it with Scott's the year before.  Only fair, we agreed.  It was going to be a difficult Christmas that year as in November 2010 I lost my Grandad and it would be the first one without him there to ease the tension like he always did! 

Things got off to a great start actually.  My mum made conversation with Scott and listened etc and was even laughing with him.  I thought everything was going to be great.  We spent a week with them and spent everyday at my mum's house.  It was almost like my mum was finally treating Scott as one of the family.

We travelled back to Sheffield, happy and loaded up with lots of presents =) and were so pleased my mum had made an effort.  That was until a month passed and I told her Scott had proposed....

27th January 2011. 06:30pm

Scott proposed to me the day before my 21st birthday.  I was ecstatic and thought nothing could ruin my mood.  I rang up everyone I knew bursting to tell them the news.  I always knew that if someone proposed to me, my mum would be the first person I told so obviously that was who I called first!! Well, I wish I hadn't and had just let her find out on facebook for the reaction I got.

Here's how the phone call kind of went:

"Mum, it's me! Scott gave me my birthday present early and he PROPOSED!"

"Oh. Congratulations. Did you get a ring? You're not getting married yet though are you, there's no need."

=\ Well lets just say that wasn't the reaction I had hoped for.  Looks like she still held a grudge.  Great.

Turns out I was right.  A few weeks later we were talking on facebook chat and I mentioned that we had seen a place we'd like to get married (we plan on getting married in 2014/2015) and she laughed at me and told me it was a bit soon to plan and i needed a job first to get money (i was unemployed).  I asked her why she seemed to hold a grudge against him and I got the answers I never wanted to hear.

- He's not right for you.

- He's not the type I'd go for you.

- He seems clingy.  He doesn't leave you alone (he would have and he did but I refused to let him leave me alone with her because of our past)

I'm sure there were more things she said, but they're the ones that stick with me.

She has shown me exactly what she is like for holding a grudge.  And this grudge is all because me and Scott met online  and for the way I left home.

I wish sometimes that my mum would just put this grudge behind her and get to know Scott properly like the rest of my family have done, but I guess that isn't going to happen.

=( 

If any of you have problems with your parent(s) not liking your partner or the other way round, don't let it get to you.  We haven't and we're stronger than ever.  We only need to know that we love each other; if someone doesn't like you and can't make a real genuine effort instead of being two faced then they're not worth getting upset about.

*Christmas 2010*

 

xoxo

It's All About Me!!

Well where do I start? 

I'm 21, my name's Hayley and I'm living in Sheffield.  Sheffield has been my home for nearly 2 years now (18th April 2009) and I'm not going to lie, I've never been happier.

But before we get into that, I could start at the very beginning; with me being born on a Sunday afternoon on 28th January 1990 in Essex, the place where I would grow up for 19 years.  

I have 2 brothers; Mark and Ryan and come from a very large family.  28 cousins I believe there are, plus all the 2nd and 3rd cousins I have. 

I lived in Shoeburyness with my mum and brother for all those years and things were great until I turned 18 and realised I didn't want to be wrapped up in cotton wool anymore and wanted to 'explore' the world on my own! 

My mum seemed to be very protective of me and my brother (my other brother is only my half brother as my dad left when I was 2 and remarried a few years later) and never seemed to let us do what we wanted. I became very rebellious and went out of my way to 'disobey' everything she told me to do and that caused a lot of problems with our relationship! 

My dad was never around and didn't seem to bother with us and I think that was why I took it out on my mum, even though it wasn't her fault.  

Anyway, for 2 years me and my mum never spoke and if we did it was just to argue with each other, but now it's 3 years on and we get on better than we ever did and that is just because I moved away! 

On Friday 6th February 2009, I told my mum I was going away for the weekend to sort my head out.  I didn't say where I was going or if I was staying with anyone.  I just left.  That day was the day I travelled up to Sheffield to meet my 'future fiance'.  

I was terrified of travelling all that way on my own and realising nobody knew where I was or what I was doing, but I didn't seem to care about that.  I needed to get away from everything and this was how I was going to do it.  Me and Scott had been talking for a few months after we saw each others profile on a social networking site and we had finally plucked up the courage to meet.  (There were a few hiccups along the way running up to this meeting).  Walking along the platform and down the stairs at Sheffield Train Station seemed to be the longest walk I had ever made.  My stomach was doing somersaults and I think at one point I was even thinking I shouldn't have been doing that and leave, but my legs didn't stop and I carried on walking.  He was waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs at the station, and immediately when I saw him I put any doubts I had behind me.  

It started with a very awkward hug when we met.  He went to hug me; I froze... You get the drift. Lol.

I stayed for the weekend with him and now over 2 years later, we are still as inseperable as we were back then.

Our first photo together <3

MOVING TO SHEFFIELD.

We had been together just 7 weeks   when we decided I should move to Sheffield with him.  He had come down to Southend for a week and knew how unhappy I was, but when I took him back to London St Pancras station to go back to Sheffield I was close to tears as I knew I wouldn't see him for at least 6 weeks because of work.  I kept making jokey comments about how I wanted to move up to Sheffield as I  missed him too much (which was true) and I'd be a lot happier up there, but he said nothing about it.  

I watched him get on the train and the train leave the station, so I walked back to the tube and started the journey back to my mothers, ready to cry.  That was until my phone vibrated and I recieved a text from him.

"Go back to your mum's. Pack your stuff. You're moving up here tonight xx"

:O I couldn't have got back there fast enough to pack, and when my mum realised what was happening, she put up a fight.  A good one too, I'll give her that.  

I packed 5 bags and a suitcase, fought with my mum before storming out the door, slamming it behind me and walking to the station to start a new life.

I arrived back in Sheffield at approximately 10:30pm on 18th April 2009 ready to start afresh.

Me and my mum didn't talk until I was nearly 20 because of how we left things. We talk now and have built our relationship back up.  We still have our moments but that's only because of how I left and what happened.

  It has now been nearly 2 years since I moved in with Scott and although we do have our ups and downs, like any couple; I couldn't imagine being any happier with anyone or in any other place.

*Scott proposed to me on 27th January 2011, the day before my 21st birthday and we are now  planning on getting married in 2014 or 2015*

 Me and Scott on my 21st Birthday <3

Well, that was a very long first blog... If you managed to stay awake and finish reading it then well done to you, if you didn't I don't blame you in the slighest!!!

xoxo