Feeling Down...

Somewhere deep down, this girl is hurting and can't reach out...

I've always been a happy girl.  Always smiling, laughing and chatting to anyone.  That seemed to change back in November 2010...

On the 1st November 2010 at about 3am, I was up and getting ready for work.  ( I worked on the trains so worked silly shifts)  I had a shower and was coming back to start the process of making myself look half human when I saw my phone flashing at me, meaning I had a text/e-mail (usually it's a spam e-mail).  This time though it wasn't a text  or an e-mail.  It was a missed call from my mum.

My mum doesn't usually call me and she certainly doesn't call me in the middle of the night.  It was that moment I knew something wasn't right, so I called her back thinking she wouldn't answer; but she did...

I remember that phone call as if it was yesterday.

" Hello...You called me?"

"Yeah." (cue the silence) "Grandad died this morning at about 2am."

"What? Are you serious?"

" Yeah.  He went into hospital about 8pm last night and Nan got the phone call earlier.  He just went in his sleep."

There was probably a lot more to the phone call but I froze completely.  After I had put the phone down to my mum I still wasn't crying.  I felt numb.  Walking to my bedroom I stopped and felt that first tear roll down my cheek.  My fiance, Scott had come to the door as he could hear me outside and asked me what was wrong.

"He died.  My grandad died."

They were the last words I said all night before breaking down and hiding under the duvet.

(8) I will love you... As I love you... All my life (8)

I cried non stop for days.  I just couldn't believe it.  The funeral came and we all said our final goodbyes to him.  Having never been to a funeral, I didn't know what to expect and I didn't think I'd be able to cope, but I strong throughout; not just for me but for my Nan and Mum.

Anyway, it's now been nearly 7 months since my Grandad passed away and I am a completely different person.  I don't laugh or smile as much anymore and I still have days where I just want to hide away and cry as I don't know how to cope.

I know I shouldn't just cry as I know my Grandad wouldn't want me to be sad about losing him, but my Mum told me that she still cries most days and that it's normal.  

 

But that's not the only reason I'm feeling down.  Yeah, I'm still grieving in my own way and time but now I'm always working and it's a stressful job in a call centre and I never seem to have any money as it all goes on rent and bills.  And to top it off, me and Scott seem to do nothing but argue nowadays, over anything.  I mean, we have our good days and we can go weeks without arguing, but when we argue... we ARGUE!

I haven't told anyone this as I don't know who I can reach out to.  Scott wouldn't understand.  Neither would my family and I don't have any of my own friends in Sheffield.  Just mutual ones of Scott.  The last few weeks have been challenging with my hormones/moods and my feelings.  

I have days lately where I feel that this world would be better off without me in it and as terrible as this sounds I have had thoughts that I really wish I hadn't had (if you know what I mean?)

I wish I could deal with all my problems better and maybe if I had someone I knew I could talk to who wouldn't judge me it might make things easier to deal with.

I know things will get easier and better with time, I just guess I'm letting the stress get to me a bit too much lately.... =(

Anyway...anyone who's managed to read to the end, well done!

xoxoxo

For my Grandad...

Grandad,
So much has happened in the last few months.  Months of memories we haven't been able to share with you.  Christmas was the first of many dates we would spend without you there.  That christmas was the hardest.  Mum wore her paper christmas hat from the cracker all day just like you used to and she made the crackers you used to laugh at her about!! =) They were pretty good crackers!!
I wish you had been there for my 21st birthday.  It was an amazing day but I was still sad that you were not there to see me turn 21 (even if I wasn't down in Southend with you lot).  Me and Scott got engaged the day before my 21st.  Scott was all romantic, and you would know that when you first met him, he doesn't seem very romantic , but he was and it really was the most amazing moment of my life!!! <3
Remember when you last saw me, I didn't have a job.  Well in March this year I got myself a full time job in a contact centre and I'm still there 3 months later and still enjoying it!!! We are all incredibly shocked that I am still at a job that I enjoy!!!
I speak to Nan on the phone quite a bit now.  She makes me laugh with the things she says to me.  I miss speaking to her on the phone and hearing you talking in the background and laughing.  I still expect to hear you when she rings me.  She doesn't really speak about you on the phone to me so I try not to mention anything, just in case it upsets her.
It's been nearly 7 months since you got taken away from us and I still can't believe that I'm never going to see you again.  To hear your voice or see you smile or laugh.  I still cry when I think about you or remember something that we all used to do together; even if i see something on the telly that reminds me of you. 
This year is going to be the hardest as it is the first year that we will be celebrating/doing things without you with us for the first time and we're all going to struggle but we know that you're looking down on us, keeping us safe.
 If I had one wish it would be to bring you back, but I know that isn't going to happen.  I wish I had the chance to see you one last time, to say goodbye but I know that you weren't able to stay with us and that you had to go.  Even though I wont see you again, I have all my memories of the moments we shared together and all the photographs we have.  Those will never go away and they will be with me forever.
I'm going to finish this letter now.  I miss you so much Grandad, more and more everyday.
You really were the most amazing grandad anyone could wish for and I love you.
Thinking of you everyday. Lots of Love.
Hayley (Blossom)
xXxXxXx